A Year Older

I have just turned 26 today. And I am in no position to ask God for more than what I have. I have been blessed with a happy family -- a loving husband and a baby that any parent would love to have. That's more than enough.

The same time last year I was given a chance to have a second life. I survived three major operations when I gave birth to our son. It was a VERY complicated delivery. A delivery that could've taken my life...

But God has his way of showing us how powerful he is even when we least expect it. I don't know if I deserve it --maybe not. But I will forever be thankful for the second chance that he had given me. A week before my 25th birthday, I received the most precious gift of all --my Greggy. It was the day when I really felt that God exist in my life. Thank you, Lord!

I don't know what else to say...If you have read the story of my delivery here before, you'll know exactly what I mean.

Have a blessed day everyone! And thank you for the greetings!

Touched By An Angel

"The LORD is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
--Psalm 34:18

I came across Noemi's blog and had the urge to read it. Awarded as the Best Website by The Philippine Web Awards this year, I realized that she really deserved the award.

I was moved by her blog about her little angel, Luijoe. Her six-year-old son who died of drowning in 2001. I couldn't help but burst into tears while reading her story because somehow I could feel the pain of losing her most precious. It's the saddest and the most painful thing that could ever happen to a parent. It could destroy your life in an instant.

...I'd rather die if that happened to me. I won't survive. I just know I won't. The pain, the grief, the loss, the regret, the guilt, the sadness -- I can't handle them. So God, please don't let it happen to me! Take my life first. (Done deal?)

I remember what Manay Gina de Venecia once said when she guested on MOMS (a talkshow for mommies on QTV Channel 11) a few months after her youngest daughter KC died in a fire accident. She said, "The pain [of losing a child] will never go away. You just have to learn to live with the pain each day..."

That episode of MOMS made me cry really hard. The topic was "Pagdadalamhati ng isang Ina". And guess what? Noemi was one of the guests pala! I just didn't remember her. So when I saw this article on her blog, I was shocked. What a coincidence! S'ya pala yung naponood ko sa MOMS sa episode na 'yun! The other guests were Alicia Alonzo, Manay Gina de Venecia and there's another one aside from Noemi, I just forgot got the name. Anyway, that episode was a real tear-jerker. Each of them narrated how they struggled to overcome the loss of their child. It's an inspiring episode that I couldn't forget. You don't need to be in their shoes to feel their pain.

Anyway, during the Holy Week of 2000, I experienced losing someone in our family for the very first time. It actually took me months to recover from our first loss. Just like Luijoe, my eleven-year-old cousin died of drowning at a resort in Quezon City (Gubat Sa Ciudad). I cried everyday everytime I remember her (wherever I was. Kahit nasa jeep!). It also made me realize that if this tragedy was enough to tear me apart, how much worse it could've been for her mother? She must've been at her worst, grieving silently for her daughter that she would never see, hug and kiss again. But seeing my aunt now, I can say that she had recovered. But I know that somehow, deep in her heart, that the pain will always be there. She just learned how to deal with it.

P.S:
Thank you for sharing your experience with us, Ms. Noemi. I salute moms like you. Please know that you have my deepest sympathy and that my heart cries out with you. I have read almost everything from your website to Luijoe's up to the memorial website that you created for your beloved father. I must say that you are so brave to have overcome those tragic deaths in your family.

By the way, I'll go to National Bookstore to get a copy of your book "Fallen Cradle". Promise. :-)

Christmas Tree

Christmas 2005


I grew up in a religion where Christmas was not celebrated and no Christmas trees, lights and lanterns were allowed inside a home. And since then, I felt that I was deprived of a normal childhood. I used to envy kids my age because they had Ninongs and Ninangs -- but I didn't. It's a good thing I had titos and titas on my mother's side to fill in. So over-all, I had a happy christmas over the years. Coz behind my paternal grandparents' back, I still did what normal kids would do. Carolings. Christmas parties. exchange gifts. Name it. Yeah, My siblings and I did those fun things behind their back. Apparently, we didn't have a choice.

For me, Christmas has always been a good tradition for everyone no matter what your religion is. Why don't grown-ups realize how important it is for children? When I was a kid, my mom would place a very small christmas tree on top of our TV so it's easy to hide when we had visitors from our church. And I was sick of it. It made us feel that it's a crime putting up a tree.

Every year I look forward to Christmas. Because it's the only time when I feel like everyone around me is happy. It's festive everywhere I look. I love staring at those twinkling lanterns on the road. I love hearing children singing Christmas carols. I love Bibingka. Okay, Let's just say I love everything about Christmas! *wink*

So when leo and I got married and had our first christmas together, I told him I wanted a big christmas tree. At first he was skeptical but when he realized that I was serious, he finally gave in. But the apartment that we were renting was too small. So when we finally moved in to the house that we bought a few months later, I knew my childhood dream would come true.

We had our very first christmas tree in 2005. I was 8 months pregnant then. My husband set it up for me. I was so happy. Somehow the child in me was relived. And It was something indespensable.

This year, we're still using the same christmas tree. Leo set it up as early as October just in time for my mom's birthday. But since we haven't done our christmas shopping yet, there's still no gifts under our tree so I can't take a picture of it yet. We've been busy preparing for Greggy's baptismal this Sunday. Greggy also got sick and lost a few founds. But that's another story that i'd like to tell you about on my other blog.

Anyway, I have a few cyber-friends to thank.

I just received a wonderful gift from SuperRicko -- a fellow GT member. And yes, he's a GUY. He sent me a wav ringtone of the Smallville themesong (SAVE ME by Remy Zero). Kaya ayun, super astig ang message alert tone ko. C 'mon text me now so you can hear it! Hehehe. But kidding aside, if you want the ringtone too, just email me and I would be happy to share it with you. To SuperRicko, thanks a lot, bro!!! I really appreciate it. I've been looking for this ringtone since God-knows-when! LOL. *hugs*

I also wanna thank my Blogsis Naomi for giving me a super duper wonderful WORDPRESS blog as a gift. (Yes, I have a new one! Hehe...). I know, I know... marami na akong blogs. But I'm not moving --well at least not yet. I just wanna know how Wordpress works. But who knows? Maybe I'll consider moving there permanently next year. Link it up too, okay? But for the meantime, this is still my main blog.

And lastly, to my GT sis Jermine for giving me a copy of Smallville Season 6 episodes. Wala pa po sa pinas nito. She just downloaded the episodes as torrents and copied them to a DVD. It was so generous of her to give me a copy! I won't watch it yet though coz I'm still watching Season 3. But I'm super excited na.

Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Ang agang PAMASKO nito for me. Hehehe.

Love Is Not All That We Need In a Relationship

Love. Loyalty. Respect.

I live by these three things. I don't think any relationship can surpass any trials, tribulations and heartaches if one of these components is missing. Without Love, you can't be loyal to your partner. Without Loyalty, there's no respect that binds the relationship. And without Respect, there's no love at all. Apparently, you can't truly love someone without respecting him/her, can you? So why stay in a relationship that lacks loyalty? Why not show enough respect and just leave?

If you ask me, I only intend to live by this principle forever. Life is too short. I don't wanna waste it on a relationship that's full of crap, lies and betrayal.

Let me know what you think.

In God's Perfect Time

I miss my former job...I miss my Korean students...I miss the gifts...the food...the "thank you" letters and cards that they used to give me...especially my kid students! Oh how I miss them. They taught me a lot of great things. Their culture...their language...their dishes, their music and the like. My students were the ones who taught me how to read and write Korean (Han-gul). Some of them came back here and asked me if I could still teach them. As much as I would love to, I can't go back to teaching anymore. My life is totally different now that I have a baby. Plus, all my students live in Quezon City -- I live in Taguig now. So I guess it's really goodbye...

For those who do not know, I worked as an English Instructor in a Korean school for three years and as a freelance tutor after school hours. I jumped from one village to another and went home after 10pm. I'd say those were the times when I really worked my ass off so I could support myself and my family (I sent my sister to college, by the way. She just graduated this year). I had lived away from my family since then and lived in an apartment near my workplace.

Looking back, I didn't know why I got into teaching. It all started when I was a freshman in college. I had a Korean classmate in my English class who asked me if I could tutor her friend (also a Korean). I accepted the offer and taught one male student for three hours after class. Then another student came...and the list went on. It was my first real job! Hahaha. I started earning money at 18 during my college days. A few months later, I was hired to teach at a non-formal English Center for Koreans as a student teacher. I could not believe my luck!

Then my dreams fell apart...I had to quit my studies. I could've supported myself but I had to help my family. It was one of our darkest days. I was able to go back to school the next sem but had to quit again. My college days were not fruitful and happy. I was a lonely and unproductive student, full of problems, had no friends. I felt like I was carrying the entire world on my shoulders. Fate was so unkind to me and my family...With a heavy heart, I left my dreams behind.

Oh -- I have to end this entry. Past is past. There's no point in getting into details anymore. And besides, I'm happy with where I am now...Thankful and happy. Period!

But I'm still hoping that someday...I could still reach for the dream I once left behind. Maybe not now...but in God's perfect time.

PS:

I visited the school's website. Ganda! They haven't updated their Faculty Members though coz my picture is still there. Gosh, I was sooo skinny!

Anyway, I know you can't read Han-gul so you won't be able to come across the Teachers Section. So just Click Here. Gotta go!

Chantal Kreviazuk: Feels Like Home

I love this song! It's included in the official soundtrack of Dawson's Creek and How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days.

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts... the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright coz I have you here with me
And I can almost see through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong


Want to download it? Click here.

My Destiny

Do you believe in destiny?

Me? Yeah, somehow... But generally speaking, I still believe in the power of making our own destiny. Sometimes we are forced to do things that we really don't want because we know it's for the best. No matter how painful it is...we have to do what we think is right, and not what feels good at the moment. Being happy is a choice. It always is...and maybe it will remain that way forever.

So you might be wonderin' why I am talking about this? I honestly don't know either. I just read a story about someone having "butterflies in her stomach when she saw her first love again after so many years..." And all of a sudden I just remembered what my life would have been like if I chose to follow my heart some years ago. (Uuyyyy, senti mode ang lola!) Gone are the days when I would mope around and cry over a silly love song playing on the radio. Gone are the days when I would just sit all by myself and write a poem about how painful it was to move on and start over again without that "someone".

They say "First love never dies...".uh-oh! I don't think so. I still believe it does. Coz mine did. It died. But I'm not ashamed to admit that it died a year after I decided to call it quits. Yes, it took me a year to get over my first love but I never regret it. He didn't know what I had been through. He didn't know the pain he had caused me. He didn't know that my heart died each day for one whole year! He was a nice guy and very goodlooking. But I didn't think he could be that someone I could spend the rest of my life with. (uy, bitter! lol) But kidding aside, what we had was special but I just don't remember that feeling anymore. I thought what I had felt was something worth dying for. But looking back, I knew I made the right decision. We were not meant for each other. I knew I had to take control of my life or else it will control me...I was only 17 then and didn't want to be in a situation that I would regret for the rest of my life. The decision was rather heart-wrenching. But trust me, it was worth it.

I'm glad I waited though. In 2001, I finally found the one. He was the one I had been praying for. We share the same conviction in life and have the same values. He was not rich --- but I knew he had big dreams and knew how to make things happen. Plus, he also has a wonderful family. For the very first time in my life I found myself trusting someone whole-heartedly with no hesitations at all. He's also the very first guy I introduced to my family and had visited my home.

On our first year anniversary as a couple, he asked me to marry him--I couldn't say NO. Coz I knew that saying "no" to his proposal would be the biggest mistake of my life.

So we got married in 2004. I was only 23, and he was 26. To be honest, I wanted to get married at 27 or 28. But what will I do? He's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with so why wait? Some people asked me why I got married so early. And I always answer, "I wouldn't have been married if I hadn't met my husband..." Come to think of it, it's not always about the age. It's actually a matter of being ready and being mature enough to know what you're getting into. Some people get married at age 27...some even wait till they reach 30 but still end up having a broken marriage. So what does age have to do with it? I'd say I'm just lucky to have found the one for me at 23.

Anyway, do you know this song? I'll sing it for you... Ready? :-)

"For a moment like this, some people wait a lifetime...
For a moment like this, some people seach forever...
For that one special kiss, Oh I can't believe it's happening to me...
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this..."

What Scares Me About Growing Old

I haven't really thought about this until I read this question posted on Girltalk.

Suddenly I remember what my husband keeps telling me when he's trying to annoy me...He said he had this feeling that he won't live long enough to see his grandchildren--- just like his dad who died of cancer when he was in grade five. Weird noh? I hate him everytime he says that. I know he meant that as a joke ---but I'd say it's not a good one. It's so morbid! I know all of us will get 'there' sooner or later. But isn't it absurd to think about your impending death when you have so much to live for at the moment? I'm not really scared to die. I guess I am more scared of losing the ones I love. I just don't wanna be left alone. I used to tell my husband that I wanna die before he does ---coz if he dies before me, hindi ko kaya. I want us to grow old together, stay faithful to each other until our dying days... I want him to hold my hand, until my heart beats no more...